I find peace in writing about my dreams. In some way, I believe we all have to write our own personal revelations and life testimonies. Writing about my dreams and the deeper meanings to them fall into what I'd like to call "my AHA moments" in which I've learned something or I've reached a higher level of enlightenment.
I dream of the past a lot , more so lately, and a lot of my dreams are about certain things that, subconsciously, I haven't entirely let go of yet. The dreams vary in situation. Lately, one thing that really sticks with me is the overall feeling throughout the dream that "I did something that hurt ... and I need to forgive myself". For example, there's this one photograph I took back in 2006, that I appears in my most my recent dreams. I was living in Los Angeles at the time and had attended a day of events at the South Central Farms in which, activists were protesting the bulldozing of farm plots. As I was walking out of the gates, I remember looking towards Downtown LA and I couldn't help but wonder how a farm had lasted this long in the middle of that chaotic city. Just then as I turned towards the fence, I saw a pink flower poking out from behind the fence. Back then, I felt like that flower at that exact moment - fenced in. I look back on that moment now and I don't even know that girl anymore. As I continue to dream of this photo, I find that I'm mad at myself when I wake up - for not getting up and leaving my situation back then. In my dreams, I'm left wishing I had claimed to be ME back then and not what someone had molded me to be.
Different dreams, different details, but same story... and it leaves me thinking of how necessary forgiveness is, especially when it comes to myself. There is no one it is harder for us to forgive than ourselves. It took me about a year to forgive a certain person that had molded me into something I wasn't, taking me further from who I was and who had hurt me immensely at the end--- Yet, it has taken me almost twice that to forgive myself. More than two years of trying to forgive ME for putting myself in a unhealthy codependent relationship, for compromising what I really wanted just to keep that person in my life, for passing up great opportunities for fear of losing them, for begging them to love me at the end, and for lying to myself about the truth of our relationship.
It's so important for every woman to be aware that when she doesn't forgive herself, she carries around a whole lot of unnecessary, and frickin' heavy pain. And when she does utter those words and means them -- "I forgive ME!" WHEW!! such a huge load is lifted and an awesome feeling of freedom is achieved.
Forgiving ME is a process, unfortunately there is no magic pill, although I think some of us have tried that route. I really believe that it starts with just plain admitting that we have something to forgive ourselves for. Admitting that we are mad at ME, that we let ourselves down, that we f**ed up, that we put ourselves in a bad situation... we just literally need to throw up those words, expel them from our being, so that we can feel the pain that's there and let it go... so that finally we can be clean and clear to have the space inside of us to love ourselves to the other side.
Be blessed...
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